Is there something you need to forgive yourself for?

Bonjour mon ami

Firstly as per the title I would like to forgive myself for not posting a Substack essay in a while.

In between going on the most life-affirming retreat in Sweden, missing my flight home, and ending up in Copenhagen, life has been a bit of a whirlwind. But for the last week, I’ve been walking with an “I can’t believe this is my life” kind of skip in my step.

I have so much to say that I don’t know how to say any of it… if that makes sense?

So I had a different idea as I was sat in a cafe eating my second cinnamon bun of the day. Whilst in Copenhagen I went to the design museum, which made me want to become an inventor and redecorate my entire life.. in equal measure. Luckily I couldn’t afford anything in the gift shop but out of the corner of my eye I spotted a box that said ‘200 questions to self’ on it.

Without really understanding the exchange rate from Danish krona to pounds, I immediately bought it.

I figured with so much to say and not knowing where to start, whatever the card asked me I would write about.

The card read:

Is there something you need to forgive yourself for?

Over the last few days I had the immense privilege of travelling to Sweden to visit a place called Shambala. I was there with The Wild Times, Jenny (the founder) found me on Instagram a while back and asked if I would like to go out and run a creative workshop as part of their 3 day retreat. I’ve never said yes to anything quicker.

Having never been to Sweden or a Wild Times retreat, I had no idea what to expect. But one thing I was definitely ready for was a change of scenery — it has been a hard year, and nothing feeds my soul quite like a solo trip to a new place.

In the end, it wasn’t really a solo trip because I was surrounded by a group of people who, each in their own way, created a space for me to be fully myself. Although I was there to run a workshop for them, watching them create, hearing their stories and existing in a space that was stripped of the noise we are constantly surrounded by, gave me a gift that I will hold onto for the rest of my life.

Peace.

Pure, unfiltered, messy, loving and kind peace.

The kind of peace that makes you feel comfortable to dive into a lake naked, the kind of peace that allows you to sit in silence, the kind of peace that heals you.

Life is so busy and I feel like we are all so afraid of silence. Constant noise, constant notifications, constant distractions to take us away from being present, to stop us from admitting how we are actually feeling. Creativity and expressing ourselves is an act of service, we literally HAVE to do it. To me, creativity is the expression of emotion — a release that’s fundamental to how we exist on this earth. Without that release, we build layers: layers of unresolved feelings, layers of unhelpful narratives. And that’s when we begin to lose our voice.

There were moments on the trip where time stood still. Breath work, yoga, being out in the forrest, complete silence other than the sound of the wind through the trees. Time stopped and so did we.

It was in those moments of silence, I learnt deep forgiveness.

It’s when we are still, that a mirror is held up to show us who we truly are—and that can be hard. Often, we’re faced with the parts of ourselves that we don’t really like: the insecure, messy bits that we spend so long running from. But it is those parts of yourself, that the world so desperately needs to see, your deepest, darkest most vulnerable parts are where your creativity is truly found.

The Wild Times was there to create an opening—an invitation to reconnect with the childlike part of yourself that so many of us lose over the years. Whatever you discover on that journey was already there, within you, just waiting for you to access it. When leading workshops I see myself as a facilitator or a guide but this time I found that I was merely a conduit for all these people, who already had creativity flowing through their veins.

We went out into the forest, found a place to sit, and were completely still. The intention was to write freely—without expectation, without a goal. I never imagined the magic that would pour out of people. When we all came back together to share our experiences, I was left (almost) speechless.

Once again I was reminded just how important it is that we slow down and find our voices again, because each one of their pieces made me feel raw emotions, deep in my soul. Each one gave me a new perspective on the world and THAT is why we need people to create. As we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people the permission to do the same, as we are liberated from our own fear our presence will automatically liberate others.

One of the women wrote about her experience in the forrest and how it made her feel. One of the lines read:

‘Maybe I am not heavy, maybe to the right people.. I am light’

God, that hit me in my chest. Full frontal emotional bullet, ripping straight to my core. The corners of my eyes filled with water as I realised she was right and for the first time in a very long time… I felt light.

I felt the heaviness of the last year evaporate from my body, and in it’s place, I let self-forgiveness sink in. I imagined a soft, golden, honey-like texture filling my body as I realised that through all the heaviness of the year, love still came. My life still changed. One of my feet kept falling in front of the other. I kept going. I kept moving. I kept solving the problem. And then, one day, things fell together better than I ever could have imagined.

So what do I want to forgive myself for?

I want to forgive myself for the way I’ve behaved when my world felt unstable. I want to forgive myself for still feeling insecure sometimes. I want to forgive myself for loving my parents but still being angry at them. I want to forgive myself for hating men after the things they’ve done to me. I want to forgive myself for not being a good friend sometimes. I want to forgive myself for not always knowing what to say. I want to forgive myself for feeling guilty about feeling guilty. I want to forgive myself for not always moving through the world with grace. I want to forgive myself for having 5,327 unread emails. I want to forgive myself for taking space from the people I love when I needed to. I want to forgive myself for doing less, and for being cautious with the world around me. I want to forgive myself for trying to control an uncontrollable world.

Do you know how many women move through life with an impending feeling of guilt surrounding them? I literally don’t know a single one that doesn’t.

If I could have one wish it would be that women could forgive themselves for the way the world has made them feel. I wish they could exist without that impending feeling of guilt. Because it is constant work to practice self compassion in a world that is designed to make you feel like you’re doing it wrong.

I hope you can replace guilt with forgiveness. I hope you can find a home within yourself—take off the heavy bag from your back, take a big sigh, and move forward with compassion and ease. I hope you choose a playful life, a life where you expand and not shrink. I hope you find people who show you that you don’t have to do it alone. I hope you find people who don’t just make you feel light, but offer to carry the load until you do.

I hope you can go to places that force you to meet yourself again and again and again. I hope you can ask yourself, is there anything I need to forgive myself for? Then look it straight in the face and let it go.

Life can be heavy sometimes but I promise you, you are light.

Celeste x

Thank you to everyone at The Wild Times retreat for such a special few days. PS if you like this post and wanted to buy me a coffee then you can here 💙