The other day I read something that said ‘No is actually just a sentence on it’s own’ and it has stuck with me since.
No without justification, to me, is more uncomfortable than standing on a pile of lego with bare feet. What do you mean I don’t need a long list of reasons why I can’t do that thing that I really don’t want to do?
The ironic thing is, I actually find it more effective when people say no to me without giving me a long story about why they feel that way… but when it comes to my boundary setting the thought of upsetting someone else makes me feel literally sick. It’s actually a bit self indulgent if you think about it… does anyone really care if I say no, who said I was that important??
The problem is, saying no is not easy especially for women.
wrote the article ‘what men don’t understand about women’ the other day that makes me cry every time I read it. Specifically this line:But here’s something that hit me recently: a woman is not obligated to receive your love just because you gave it. And her "no" doesn’t need to come with an apology.
As women we are taught that the simple boundary of ‘no’ is not enough on it’s own, we always have to justify it or we risk bruising someone’s ego and fighting a battle we didn’t even want in the first place.
Like the time I was walking past Brixton station when a man came up to me and, in not a very polite way, asked for my number to which I politely declined and he responded with:
‘Yeah well, you’re an ugly bitch anyway’
You can see why saying no doesn’t always roll off the tongue naturally.
I’m so sick of the world constantly telling me how I should be behaving, what I should be wearing, who I should be dating. I am sick of feeling guilty all the damn time or justifying why I feel a certain way, putting my needs last and not being honest about how something has actually made me feel. I am exhausted of feeling like I’m constantly in the wrong.
As a highly empathetic person that feels the emotions of everyone around her, it continues to be difficult to understand that saying no doesn’t mean you don’t care it just means you love yourself enough to say this doesn’t work for me.
And so I wrote this poem in a moment of rage at the never-ending exhaustion that I feel to over explain myself. It is a plea to myself and all the women around me to be less apologetic about who they are and a reminder that empathy without boundaries is SELF HARM.
No
No, I don’t find that funny
No, I don’t want to tell you my name
No, that doesn’t work for me
No, I will not take the blame
No, I don’t want your number
No, I won’t smile more
No, I don’t want to know the calories
No, I don’t need to work on my core
No, I don’t want kids
No, I don’t feel alone
No, I will not put it in an email
No, I will not change my tone
No, I will not do the housework
No, I will not behave
No, I don’t want to go out
No, I don't need to shave
No, I do not agree with you
No, I won’t accept less pay
No, you can’t interrupt me
No, I don’t want to stay
No, I will not make myself small
No, I will not be tidy and ‘good’
No, I will not hide my tattoos
No, I don’t think I ‘should’
No, I will not over explain
No, I can’t work late
No, I don’t want to go on dating apps
No, I am not your mate
No, I wasn’t asking for it
No, I don’t need a reason why
No, I don’t want to talk about it
No, I don’t care if he’s actually a ‘nice guy’
No, it’s not my job
To fit into what you think I should do
I don’t care if it makes you uncomfortable
I will take up space in this room.
Celeste x
this. i feel so guilty for saying no to things but then for what? guilty for prioritising my own downtime rather than going out? then i sit in my guilt, shame and become numb and obsess over how i’m perceived for saying no. why is it so hard to just say no and then just enjoy the space you created, the connection you gained to yourself and the freedom to just be!!!! ugh! really felt the empathy without boundaries = self harm. i felt that. i’d love to hear tips on how you set the boundaries without guilt. i swear i eb and flow with how i handle that. thanks for your resonating words x
I am currently writing rage poems, one of them is a reply to people who don't understand the concept of 'no' being a full sentence.
Slowly I bend your fingers until they break.
I want more,
(how many joints does a person have anyway?) and break them all.
Just like you broke my heart.
Savage.
Time and time again.
I continue until your dignity breaks and feed your existence to the flames of my rage.
Now do you understand why 'no'
is a full sentence?